I have a hard time opening up to people, online or in person it doesn’t seem to matter. I have only very few close friends because of this. Chosen carefully, and proven over time. The problem with this is that it’s unintentional. Inside this melancholy exterior, I’m a happy-go-lucky people person who enjoys the limelight at times.
I think in a conversation with my wife last night I finally figured out where a lot of this outward discontent with life comes from. I know I don’t show so much of it online which is probably part of my gaurded complex.
I am a control hound, freak, whatever you want to call it.
This probably is easiest to see in the way I handle gifts in both giving and recieving. See I have a hard time accepting a gift like money when it is given because I am in need. But, if someone were to ask me for help in some way, I am the first person to give if I have the means and often when I don’t.
The reason I don’t accept is that in some way in my head it is giving that person control over me to accept the gift. I usually have to be desperate to accept. Then I long to repay the gift at the first opportunity. I can’t seem to be just grateful for what is given.
As much as I hate to say it, I think I’ve been approaching God this way too.
Unfortunately, it goes the other way too for me. When I give a gift, subconsciouly I feel like the gift reciever is indebted to me. A favor that I could call in. It’s twisted I know.
So I am going to do something unprecedented for me. Release these people from their supposed indebtedness. I don’t think they will ever know, but somewhere deep inside of me I am relinquishing control, letting go. A different kind of forgiveness.
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